How to help your child make friends

We all want confident kids who are happy and well-liked at school with plenty of friends - but it takes a bit of practice to become socially confident and that is something that was definitely in short supply over the past few years. Thanks to the global pandemic, contact with other children and social activities were much reduced or completely cancelled. Even though those days are over now, the scars are still being felt by many children today. Here are some tips for nudging your child in the right direction.

Here are my tips for helping your child feel more socially comfortable:

1. Observe your child’s behaviour

Take some time to observe your child’s behaviour to understand how they like to socialise. Some children are natural social butterflies and enjoy being part of a team, but others prefer to spend time with just one or two buddies.  

Whilst there is no wrong or right way to socialise, see if you can spot the situations your child finds most challenging by watching and learning. Attend a few activities with them and notice how they interact with others. Do they behave differently to the way they would at home for example – and if so, why?  Do they struggle to start conversations on a one-to-one basis or do they feel anxious in large groups? Depending on the behaviour you see, you can then decide where to focus your attention.

2. Be a role model for your child

Children learn by example and it’s possible to teach them how to interact with others by making an extra effort with the way you do. Make a point of having regular conversations with neighbours, shop-keepers and other parents at school when your child is there to see you doing it. Talk to your child’s classmates, using their name and introduce your child at the same time: ‘Nice to meet you, Joshua – this is Sam’. 

When we repeatedly use someone’s name in conversations, it automatically starts to feel like a closer relationship and the other child will start to see your child as a friend of theirs.

3. Get ahead of the game

If your child feels hesitant about joining an after-school club or attending an event, check out the venue with them beforehand. You can say that it’s for your benefit, so that when they go you’ll know where they need to be and how long it will take to get there. If they’re joining swimming lessons for example, a couple of swim sessions before joining the class will build up their confidence and they’ll know what to do in the changing rooms.  

When you do finally get to go, make a point of being early. It’s so much easier to settle into a group if you’re one of the first to arrive rather than the last – and if you’re running late, your child will soak up your stress and feel even more reluctant at joining in and chatting to friends.

4. Make the first move

If your child seems to be lacking invitations to play-dates, then it's ok to make the first move but keep it simple. It’s counter-productive to invite a few friends over if you’re then going to stress about tidying the house and what to give them to eat. Your child won’t find this an enjoyable experience and will want to avoid inviting friends again.

Some children are very reluctant to have friends they don’t know all that well, invade their private space, so start by making the interactions very small eg. by walking to the car park or bus stop together. Once your child gets used to the idea of seeing themselves with this other child regularly, it will feel more natural to them to expand on the activities.

5. Comparison is the thief of joy

There’s a lot of truth in that well-known saying and there’s not much to be gained by constantly comparing your child to others. We all have days when we feel outgoing and want to have some company and others when we just prefer to have a bit of peace and quiet. 

If you’re people-watching at the school gate, you’ll only ever be seeing a ‘snapshot’ or a moment in time, so it won’t be an accurate representation of other children’s personalities by which to measure your child. We’re all unique and those of us who are more introverted often end up with one or two really deep, long-lasting friendships – and are just happy and fine with this. 

Read more useful tips and advice in my latest book: First Aid for your Child’s Mind

 About the Author

Alicia Eaton is a Harley Street based psychotherapist specialising in helping families with behaviour change and emotional wellbeing. She is also the author of four best-selling books and a Winner in the ‘Global Health & Pharma’ Mental Health Awards 2023 and 2024. For more details of appointments see here: Consultations.